Miss Manners: Are grad invitations just gift requests?

Dear Miss Manners: My daughter and I have a disagreement regarding graduation invitations. She has stated that sending an invitation means you are expecting a gift, so therefore it is acceptable not to send the invitation.

I believe it is an opportunity to celebrate a major milestone in the life of the graduate with family and friends. I do not think this means you have to bring a gift, and I think it is wrong to presume one’s financial capabilities. It is a time of celebrating.

Gentle Reader: How nice that you are an idealist; how fortunate that your daughter is a realist.

It would indeed be sweet if relatives and friends receiving graduation invitations thought “Wow! Gillian is graduating, and we’ll get to see her receiving her diploma!” And if there is a party involved, the excitement would be about basking in Gillian’s glory — or just enjoying any excuse for a party.

Maybe Grandmama would react this way, maybe even a neighbor who watched her grow up. But your daughter is right that people do regard such invitations as bills.

Graduation ceremonies are tedious to any but those with the strongest ties and attachments to a graduate. Even people who might enjoy a party are thinking, “What’s the going rate for a graduation present these days? And if we don’t go, do we still have to send something?”

Of course you are proud of your daughter’s achievement. When you tell your friends about it, no doubt they will be pleased for you. But Miss Manners suggests that you listen to your daughter and not expect them to be as deeply involved as you are.

One way to recognize her achievement is to respect her analysis of the situation.

Dear Miss Manners: I received a graduation announcement for a second cousin whom I have never met. Am I obliged to send a gift?

Gentle Reader: No. But sending congratulations would be nice.

Dear Miss Manners: A Mother’s Day question regarding mothers who work for us: I have 10 employees who are mothers. Is it appropriate to get a small token of appreciation for all 10 on Mother’s Day, or only the ones who would be working that day?

Gentle Reader: This would be a good way to sow dissension among your employees.

Miss Manners suspects that many would be miffed — not only the mothers absent that day, but also (and perhaps especially) the non-parents who are gracious about concessions made to parents when their personal duties conflict with work.

Dear Miss Manners: My children are college students with no income and very little money in the bank. I do not want them to spend a lot of their money for Mother’s Day. They always spend too much, and it really stresses me out. Also, my husband always ignores my request not to buy me any flowers.

I would prefer that they just get me a jar of my favorite lotion, which is under $10. Would that be rude to suggest, and how can I do it in a tactful manner?

Gentle Reader: By thanking them and seeming to be delighted with their choices. And especially by refraining from criticizing and attempting to take control over their generous gestures.

Miss Manners considers scorning tributes to be a sure way of killing the spirit that inspired them.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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