Back-to-school season can present challenges and opportunities as a parent. Relaxed summer schedules are replaced with classes, homework, and extracurriculars, and the transition to a new semester can be both exciting and stressful. Our kids are navigating new teachers, ever-increasing responsibilities, and shifting social relationships.
Fortunately, the school year is full of everyday moments parents and caregivers can use to check in on their kids. Whether it’s an early breakfast before school, the commute home, a text message during the day, or an after-school FaceTime call from work, these small moments can let kids know we are thinking about them.
When the opportunity for conversation comes, and we hear about something our children may be struggling with, we hope that our kids will feel comfortable speaking to us about it.
The temptation might be to jump in with reassurance, wisdom, or advice. But what kids need most from us isn’t for us to fix their problems for them. What they really need most is for us to listen with genuine interest and curiosity.
As simple as this suggestion may sound, it can be difficult to put into practice — even for those of us who are experts in youth mental health. If our child is anxious about an upcoming social situation or a big test, our instinct is to make the anxiety go away. So, many of us will shift into solution mode.
That impulse comes from love. After all, nobody wants to watch their child suffer. But research suggests that adolescents are better able to regulate difficult emotions when parents respond with empathy, attentiveness, and emotional support.
I know from firsthand experience that listening can be more powerful than prescribing a solution, but that it’s not always as easy as it sounds.
This summer, my teen daughter, home from her first year of college, opened up to my husband and me about her struggles with sometimes debilitating anxiety. (I share this with her permission.) The years we spent laying a groundwork of open and safe conversation helped create the space for her to open up.
Nevertheless, as a mental health professional who has experienced clinically significant anxiety myself, I thought I had “checked all of the boxes” from my background in psychology that would keep my children from sharing these same struggles. Thus, love for my daughter, combined with feelings of guilt that I “hadn’t done enough,” led me to offer fixes instead of listening.
It took me a minute to realize that I could help more by listening to my daughter, rather than imposing my own preferred solutions on her. I also realized that my job as a parent wasn’t to take away her suffering. It was to create the space for her to feel comfortable opening up to us about it.
I have been watching my daughter — with the support of family, friends, and therapy — find her own path. And while her father and I couldn’t shield her from struggling, we took comfort in having cultivated a relationship where she felt comfortable coming to us for support and keeping us involved in her journey, even in moments when we didn’t see eye to eye.
As parents, we want what’s best for our kids — but that requires giving them the space to figure it out themselves, in age-appropriate ways.
For instance, when your child talks, really listen to what they are saying. Give them as much time as they need without interrupting. In response, a parent might simply say, “I’m glad you told me,” or “I understand why you were upset” to validate their child’s experience. Instead of immediately offering advice, ask, “Do you want help figuring this out, or do you want me to listen for a minute?”
Those responses may sound simple. But they communicate something profoundly stabilizing: “you are safe here.”
Importantly, conversations rarely happen in the formal, picture-perfect ways parents imagine, as I have experienced firsthand. Adolescents often speak most freely when in casual, low-pressure conversations.
The school year is incredibly busy. Between early mornings, sometimes long commutes, and weekend activities, there’s little time for a pre-planned mental health conversation. But small moments that encourage big conversations are more common than you might think.
Your child may suddenly open up during a late-night study break, while walking the dog, or halfway through a quiet car or subway ride home after soccer practice. It’s important to actively seek these moments out and make your child feel welcome — but not pressured — to open up.
The school year is full of these “micro-moments.” And they matter more than many parents may realize, as adolescents enter a new stage of life, with unique social and academic pressures.
Rates of anxiety and depression have risen significantly over the past few decades. In addition, about one in five high school students in the United States reports thinking about suicide in a given year, and about one in 10 high school students reports attempting suicide.
Every child will face challenges as they grow up and navigate life. We can help by being a steady presence where our children feel comfortable expressing their feelings without fear of shame. And while “the experts” can tell us what they think is best, we are the experts on our own children and on our relationships with them.
It takes time and practice to figure out which way of listening — and of communicating that we are listening — works for us. If we’re thoughtful about how and when we connect, we can offer our kids the support that makes a difference.
This school year, parents don’t need flawless answers or perfect speeches. They need a willingness to be present and to listen actively — i.e., intentionally, nonjudgmentally, and with an open mind. It isn’t always easy, but if we’re thoughtful about how and when we connect, we can offer our kids the support that makes a difference.
Miranda is a professor of psychology at Hunter College and a faculty member of the doctoral program in health psychology and clinical science at the City University of New York. Her research focuses on assessment, treatment, and prevention of suicide risk among young people. She is also an advisor for Sound It Out, a social impact campaign from the Ad Council.