This is the season when, in my Jewish tradition, we pray and repent of our misdeeds during the past year, culminating in the fast on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Leading up to that day, when we ask G-d for forgiveness, we are meant to ask our fellow humans for forgiveness for how we have hurt them.
To me, this period of seeking forgiveness from those around us is at least as profound and perhaps even more difficult.
We can ask for a blanket pardon, which sounds a little like “forgive me if I have hurt you or wronged you.” Or we can ask for a pardon for a specific act, something like “forgive me for…insert your wrong here.” This request can confuse others, particularly if they don’t observe the same tradition. It can lead to “sure, why not,” or “I don’t really understand what I’m supposed to say here.” Or, as happens to me, “sure, Dad, whatever you say.”
But it can also lead to something more profound — a path forward in a fractured relationship. For a family member or loved one, it can provide closure without reliving the painful episode. For a work colleague or acquaintance, it shows that you care enough about them to humble yourself.
For those we don’t know, we can all sometimes be curt or sarcastic. And while it’s probably not practical to apologize to all the customer service reps you yelled at for keeping you on hold or not solving your problem, you can still issue that global apology.
For many people, this year has been a year of conflict and disagreement. How many of us have stopped speaking with family members over politics, global or domestic? How many of us can say that a work disagreement has spoiled a friendship? Or that not inviting someone to an event or party has been seen as rejection, rather than a budget decision? And how many of us have felt that our identity, appearance, or work has led to painful assumptions and exclusions?
And this year, I have been practicing what I am preaching. Over the past week, I have reached out personally to people in my life to ask for forgiveness. I have also had similar conversations with members of our university leadership team at Pace. I wasn’t looking to revisit old disagreements, assign blame, or determine whose version of an event was right. I simply wanted to acknowledge that there were times when my words, actions, or decisions may have caused hurt, whether I intended them to or not.
The reactions have been meaningful. Some people expressed gratitude. Others seemed genuinely surprised that I had raised the subject at all. And some simply appreciated the gesture and the opportunity to have the conversation. Those responses reminded me that asking for forgiveness isn’t only a religious ritual or an abstract idea. It is something we can actually do — and, sometimes, the act of asking can change a relationship before forgiveness is even given.
So, whether or not you’re Jewish, or believe in the existence of a higher being, consider seeking forgiveness. You don’t need to determine who was right or wrong. Let’s face it: Life is about the gray area in between that is usually the truth.
The results may be life-changing.
It might allow a family reconciliation, reopen the door to a friendship, or patch up a work conflict. It might not. But, at the very least, it will allow you to feel the peace that comes with knowing you did your best to repair the schism. And that has its own reward.
Krislov is president of Pace University.