Duwenavue Santé Johnson and Joseph Carrillo first met in San Francisco when they lived a block apart.
a]:text-blue-mid [&>a]:no-underline [&>a]:hover:shadow-lightmode px-4 font-medium”>Johnson lives in Old City, where she works as a senior hand embroiderer for the Defense Logistics Agency, making presidential flags (she and her coworkers are considered the “Betsy Rosses of the 21st century”). Carrillo, a photographer and filmmaker, still lives in San Francisco and works for the city.
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a]:text-blue-mid [&>a]:no-underline [&>a]:hover:shadow-lightmode px-4 font-medium”>In 2015, Johnson snagged her dream job in Philadelphia. She moved here and Carrillo stayed behind; both thought they might live apart for a year or two.
a]:text-blue-mid [&>a]:no-underline [&>a]:hover:shadow-lightmode px-4 font-medium”>But then the years passed.
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a]:text-blue-mid [&>a]:no-underline [&>a]:hover:shadow-lightmode px-4 font-medium”>They have adapted to changing circumstances: Johnson is a three-time breast cancer survivor and went through her most recent treatment last August. Carrillo took time off from his job and stayed with her in Philadelphia for roughly five months. Once she had recovered, they went back to their long-distance routine.
Duwenavue Santé Johnson and her husband Joseph Carrillo each maintain their own homes. Here they are pictured in Johnson’s Old City apartment. Tom Gralish / Staff Photographer
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On being wrong from the start
a]:text-blue-mid [&>a]:no-underline [&>a]:hover:shadow-lightmode px-4 font-medium”>Joseph: I had a sense that she was an independent person and really passionate about what she did.
On developing an unconventional relationship
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On deciding to move 3,000 miles away
a]:text-blue-mid [&>a]:no-underline [&>a]:hover:shadow-lightmode px-4 font-medium”>I said, “I’ll meet you in San Francisco when I have a holiday and we can figure out what we’re doing.” I was so excited that I got to do what I love, and that he supported me. I didn’t feel like I had to fear anything.
art career.
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Duwenavue Santé Johnson and Joseph Carrillo work together in her home office during a recent long weekend visit. She works as a senior hand embroiderer for the Defense Logistics Agency, making presidential flags. Tom Gralish / Staff Photographer
On keeping in touch
a]:text-blue-mid [&>a]:no-underline [&>a]:hover:shadow-lightmode px-4 font-medium”>I miss him. I’m always trying to write grants and do projects where we both get to be together. If he’s working on a film about water rights, then I’ll try to do workshops in that same town.
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Duwenavue: Since we don’t have kids, we don’t share bank accounts, so we still have our own money. When he comes to visit me in Philly, he’s my guest, and so I pay all the bills. And then when I’m in San Francisco, he pays all the bills.
We both love traveling. We see each other almost every six weeks, for about three or four days, and then every quarter one of us travels and takes our vacation time.
Duwenavue: In San Francisco, we would only see each other for maybe two hours a day and then maybe on the weekends, because our schedules were so different.
So if you really look at how much quality time you have with a person — rather than the time you have to spend shopping, doing laundry, cleaning the house — we actually spend more quality time together now because we each manage our own house.
Joseph: One of the things that developed in our long-distance relationship is that we talk more. The calls don’t have to be about anything.
Living apart is kind of even more romantic. The times we’re physically together are more passionate, more important. And we meet in different cities, whether in Europe or Asia. Instead of me just coming to visit you, let’s go meet in Paris.
Joseph: The challenge is not being face-to-face. If you have something to talk about, it’s a little bit harder not being together. And then also, when she was either not feeling well or having a bad day, I wasn’t there to comfort her physically.
But it isn’t as challenging as it might have been if we were in our 20s. At least from my perspective, there’s no jealousy or anything like that. I trust her.
Duwenavue: I freak out more often because of uncertainties: What happens if one of us gets stranded, or if there’s a flood? What if something happens to my husband and I’m not there?
Duwenavue: If he said, “Hey, I need you to come home now, that was a fun art residency you did”— I’d come home.
We’re not separate to have separate lives. We’re separate because this is where our jobs are. This is how we can actually stay independent and do what we love.
This story is part of a new series about life partners across the Philadelphia area.
If you want to share your story about who you’re navigating life with, romantically or otherwise, write to lifepartners@inquirer.com. We won’t publish anything without speaking to you first.
