Dear Miss Manners: My son and daughter-in-law are expecting their first child. I broke the happy news to my best friend by telling her she would soon receive an invitation from them to their baby shower.
Instead of being excited and congratulatory, she huffed and said that expectant mothers were not supposed to throw themselves a shower. She proceeded to give a long list of those who, by rules of etiquette, are allowed to throw baby showers.
Well, apparently we broke two rules, because I’m hosting it at our house, which is also a no-no. In this day and age, I thought that it was appropriate for a couple to throw their own shower. Considering that my daughter-in-law is doing all the planning and paying the bulk of the expenses, I see no issue here.
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But my friend keeps telling me it’s uncouth, and that having men there only makes it worse. So I just wanted the opinion of an expert who is not still living in the 1950s.
Gentle Reader: Sigh. Miss Manners doesn’t know who is worse: those who disdain etiquette, or those who use it as a battering ram.
No, she is not going after you, sad as she is to see the increasing number of people who invite others to honor them. You probably knew of such occasions and therefore concluded that this was acceptable.
Of course etiquette evolves, and an example of its changing for the better is the recognition that men also become parents and should be included in these celebrations. But what is the reason for changing the old rule of friends honoring friends instead of themselves? Fear that they may not? Or, as most people will interpret it, greed?
Either way, there is no excuse for the person you call your best friend. Friends may or may not choose to honor their friends, but they are not allowed to vilify them. Especially when claiming to be better practitioners of etiquette.
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Dear Miss Manners: I’ve dined with two different men lately — in nice restaurants, not at fast-food chains — and each of them pushed food onto his fork with his finger.
I just don’t know how to handle this, especially as each is a nice man who wants to continue a dating relationship. It would be a shame to stop seeing either of them because of poor table manners. How to handle this?
Gentle Reader: Over just coffee? Which is probably too hot for them to stir with a finger?
Miss Manners hopes that you do not have illusions about furthering romance by correcting a gentleman’s table manners. Not a good courtship technique. It’s not even an easy marital technique.
The least offensive lesson Miss Manners can devise is to take one of those gentlemen to a really formal (so as not to say pretentious) restaurant as a great treat, and whisper beforehand that it is not the sort of place where one can eat with one’s fingers.
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It is not to be tried on a first date. Wait until you feel that the gentleman is worth the investment.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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